I don't know exactly when it started for me. There was no particular morning when I woke up and decided that from now on I would only do what I wanted. It was probably more of a slow process that unfolded over years.
But at some point I noticed I felt less and less need to explain myself. Why I do something. Why I don't do something. Why I still have big plans. Why I no longer want certain people in my life.
In the past I would have offered a long explanation for most things. Today, for some things, I simply think: It's my life. That's reason enough.
Maybe that's one of the loveliest changes that growing older can bring. Not that we suddenly stop caring about anything. But that we finally start to distinguish what should matter to us – and what no longer should.
Many women learn very early to be agreeable. Friendly, understanding, helpful, accommodating, and as uncomplicated as possible. We're supposed to be confident, but please not too confident. Successful, but not intimidating. And above all, we're not supposed to disappoint anyone.
So we say yes when we mean no. We take on tasks even though our calendar is already full. We apologize for decisions that never needed an apology in the first place. Sometimes we even apologize for having boundaries at all.
The crazy part is that eventually you stop noticing this behavior at all. It starts to feel normal. Until the moment you ask yourself why you're constantly exhausted.
I've learned that a no doesn't need a long paragraph
That was one of the harder lessons for me. When I didn't want to do something, I used to feel like I had to provide a good reason. A simple no felt almost rude. So I explained, apologized, hedged, and tried to make sure the other person still liked me despite my decision.
A boundary doesn't become more valid just because I wrap it in ten polite sentences.
That doesn't mean becoming inconsiderate. I still want to be kind, treat people with respect, and apologize when I've made a mistake. But there's a crucial difference between kindness and self-abandonment.
I'm allowed to help without always being available. I'm allowed to love someone and still say no. And I'm allowed to leave a room where I constantly have to make myself smaller so someone else can feel bigger.
